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Azeid Zeus
Amarr
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Posted - 2010.03.17 19:34:00 -
[1]
THE GOLDEN GOD
1221 words.
The story tells a story about a slave living inside the Amarr empire and how the liberation changed him.
Enjoy! 
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Beware of that beam lad, not always be it a miningbeam even though it's red. |
Azeid Zeus
Amarr
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Posted - 2010.03.22 12:05:00 -
[2]
As an aspiring writer I'd love to see a short comment on what I've written be it good or bad. Criticism is the best way to learn!
Totally understand that it might a bit much to ask for though due to the amount of stories that poured in!
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Beware of that beam lad, not always be it a miningbeam even though it's red. |
Azeid Zeus
Amarr
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Posted - 2010.03.30 09:20:00 -
[3]
Here it goes, some reviews of stories I've read written by others in this really nice competition! Feel free to read and comment on my own piece if you like!
"The Journey"
by Feral Noir
http://www.eve-chatsubo.com/viewtopic.php?t=5339
A simple story written in first-person perspective about a pod-pilot trying to reach a distant star. Even though stories written in first-perspective often can feel a bit thin I did quite like this. There was a clear path from the start to the end and a good ending with a good cliff-hanger for a continuation. A negative aspect is that it break the rules of the competition by focusing on a pod-pilot.
My views on the story
- The story is about a pod-pilot
- Some overuse of the I-term
- More content would have given the story more essence
+ Visible storyline from start to end
+ Simple backstory to let reader follow
"Encouragement"
by Stitcher
http://www.eve-chatsubo.com/viewtopic.php?p=135663#135663
Two brothers walking different paths of life is a classical approach to a drama. The main part of the story surrounds a meeting of the two brothers after a long period apart from each-other. The middle part of the story is a good dialog between the brothers but I would like to see a deeper dive into the characters in the beginning then the one I got. Perhaps it should focus on less number of characteristics of the brothers to let the reader get a feeling for them instead of explaining to much "for free".
My views on the story
- Stagnant beginning where the flow for the reader is somewhat lacking
+ Good use of dialog written in good form
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Beware of that beam lad, not always be it a miningbeam even though it's red. |
Azeid Zeus
Amarr
|
Posted - 2010.03.31 07:54:00 -
[4]
 Originally by: Farworth
Yes there is 2nd Person P.O.V. (Point of View). It is rarely used as it is difficult to do correctly. 2nd person requires the author tell the reader what s/he is thinking and feeling as the main character (e.g. "you throw the ball"). Also "you" as a pronoun is somewhat ungainly and there are few alternatives for it, which can make sentence structure monotonous (but I highly recommend reading 2nd person, they are usually quite good). This brings me to my second point (no pun intended). When our dear reviewer from earlier mentioned that there was too much "I" in a story, I believe what he meant was that "I" became the subject of too many sentences. Structure, therefore, was (at least by him) thought to be overly simplistic. There was too much focus on the character of the story and not enough on his surroundings and the other players. "I" can also become self-important and with some writers it is difficult to tell who is speaking--the character or the author. He may have meant that characterization was spotty.
You are correct, my comment of the "I" was just as you thought. Not trying to be rude here but just to give a few bullets to the story on what I think that could make it stronger.
I've had a tendency to overuse the "I" term when writing in first person myself so just wanted to share a comment I've received about this numerous times 
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Beware of that beam lad, not always be it a miningbeam even though it's red. |
Azeid Zeus
Amarr
|
Posted - 2010.03.31 10:46:00 -
[5]
Congratulations to all the winners and a round of applaud for Silver Night for this wonderful initiative!
Already looking forward to the next competition!
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Beware of that beam lad, not always be it a miningbeam even though it's red. |
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